Untitled Mind

I had a phone interview for a new job a few weeks ago. As the call went on I found myself willfully going out of my way to basically disqualify myself from the position; explaining quite gleefully how didn’t know this and only had some limited experience in that. All the while I could sense the interviewer pulling back and yet could not help myself. The call ended with an abrupt “We’ll get back to you”.

I work with really smart people. To my mind, that is a reason to be on the alert that they will find out I don’t know a thing and therefore should not be there. I then hesitate to ask questions when I’m not sure what to do. And when I do know, I downplay what I do know, convincing myself I have nothing to say.

I know this behavior is not in my rational best interest, yet knowledge will not solve an irrational problem. Despite my best intentions, I am not a rational being.

When I am OFF, a full days work is about 3 hours long. No amount of dedication or willpower can boost me to achieve more productivity. Nor can any amount of chilled-out laziness bring me back to life.

When I am ON, I can do a marathon day of work at sprinting pace. I can switch contexts and tasks with grace. Complete task; Next. Blocked; Reach out to the person who can help and pivot to the next right thing. The hard part isn’t the flowing, it’s in the slowing down.

The past few years I’ve spent most of my time, money and attention on what is best termed not as self-improvement, but as self-reconstruction. What do I unconsciously believe about myself, about others, about how things should be? The road to self love is dark. It is more a Journey to the Center of the Earth than a Stairway to Heaven. The hardest part is being willing to descend knowing that I will no longer have the luxury of feigning innocence in the face of my indiscretions.